One, Two Step.

Monday.. I drove mom to Lee Branch to pick up something for our printer, I think the hardest thing for me is actually preparing myself to drive. If I think about it too much I'll freak out. So, I just got in the car and drove. It was the worst. Half way down 119, I freaked out, wasn't sure I could swallow, started shaking, and feeling a panic attack coming on. Every single panic attack I've had, not a single bad thing has happened, I haven't passed out, or died, but yet, every time I have one, I feel like, this is it, this is the one where I'll pass out. So I had a panic attack... I told myself I would be fine, nothing was going to happen, I told my mom to talk to me get my mind off of what was going on (which doesn't help by the way). I was fine till half way up the hill to Lee Branch, I just wasn't sure if I was going to make it.. so I grabbed my moms hand and just started talking to her, I made it there.. but couldn't drive back cause I was shaking so bad.

That was not fun... but it made me realize that I have to start driving everyday to be comfortable with it.. I'm going to have to start driving with someone.. then progress to driving alone, which might take a while.. :/

Today, I drove to Lee Branch to get lunch with mom, I drove my car. I was a bit weary today, just because my allergies are making me dizzy today. But i did fine. Oddly. I mean, I felt a panic attack coming on.. but never afraid that I was going to have one. I actually drove from Panara, to Publix, to get gas and a car wash.. I felt fine, didn't even feel like I was about to have a panic attack, it was just an uncomfortable feeling.

I just hate that my medicine makes me feel.. numb. Its hard to explain, and even harder to say out loud. Most people don't get it. It feels as if someone could stab me in the chest.. and I wouldn't feel anything... :( I'm going to talk to my doctor about my meds.. cause I can't handle this feeling or lack of feeling...

I know all of this doesn't make sense to a lot of people, I just wanted to share my feelings, and get this out there, because if I know that someone is reading this, then I have motivation to drive, to keep writing.

:)

http://www.webmd.com/anxiety-panic/guide/mental-health-panic-disorder <---- Check it out, if you want to make sense of what

is going on with me.