I'm not going to die.. I'm not going to die.

My gosh... going so long with out taking my medicine for my Panic Disorder, and my brain goes crazy. I'm sitting in the back of the car on the way home from my brothers graduation, and I had about 3 panic attacks in a row, one I thought I couldn't breath, this happens often, the other panic attack fead off of the thought that I couldn't breath, so I thought I was going to die. Then the thought I was going to die wouldn't go away.. my gosh, this is exhausting. But then.. I started making myself breath, got the air blowing on me, and told myself I was being over dramatic.

I'm not crazy, I promise.

All with in about 10 mins this happens, I hate these situations. They are so uncomfortable... so so uncomfortable.

I hate having to talk my self out of the thought that I'm dying, when there isn't any other thought in my head that says I'm not... Cause the thought thats making my insides shake, and makes my adrenaline pump is the thought that I'm going to die.

In these moments, I forget that God is there.. I just try to get through it alone.

And then after the fact, I kinda get mad at God, or get tired of fighting this fight. I want him to take these panic attacks away.

But then, just now, and other times I realize that everything in our lives happen for a reason. I have been through a lot, just like everyone else has... and these trials, have shaped all of us. God gave me this trial almost 10 months ago, to bring me to the bottom. For 20 years of my life I have been doing everything all by myself, I would try every now and then to ask God for guidance, however the guidance would go in one ear, and out the other... cause I never wanted to do what was right, in his eyes, I wanted to do what was right in my eyes.

So these panic attacks, these desperate pleas for comfort, is God, saying hey, I know you can make it through this, now, lean on me.

"The Lord will keep you from all harm- he will watch over your life; the Lord will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore." Psalms 121:7-8

God is my father, that's taken me a long time to accept. I've always seen him as someone I disappoint every time I sin. Or as someone I could never make happy no matter what I do.

As I've read in the book Captivating, God yearns to be known. He wants to be sought after by those who know him. He wants to be Loved by the ones he made.

"You will seek me and find me when you seek me with ALL your heart" Jeremiah 29:13.

I'm not saying that every time, I seek God, and I'm not saying I'm a "perfect Christian" whatever that means, I'm saying that this is my trial, that God has so graciously allowed me to go through. So, I will continue to try, with all my heart to seek the Lord my God.