The First Drive.

This may be dumb, but I don't know, I just wanted to get out in words what I was feeling. This won't be grammatically correct, or as entertaining as some may hope, but I think it will help me feel better about what I'm doing, knowing that I can continue on tomorrow.

Ok, I'll explain why i'm making this blog so that everyones on the same page here.

September I was just driving up 65 North, in the rain, when all of the sudden it felt like my eyes where going to roll back in my head and I was going to die, right there on the side of the road alone. Fast forward.. This happened several more times, with me driving around Montevallo (not a very big place, or scary either). So, after one of these freak out times, I talked to my mom and decided that I had to go to the doctor.

Went, he said maybe I was having seizures ( they run in the family big time). Went to the neurologist, made me get several tests done. However non of the test results showed anything, and in the meantime, the doctor had asked me not to drive, in case they where seizures.

Blahhh, Blah Blah..

To finish this story off, I was searching around on the internet one day looking up Anxiety Disorders. Bingo.

Panic disorder: an anxiety disorder that causes repeated, unexpected attacks of intense fear. These attacks may last from minutes to hours.(Google Health)

I was shocked, all of the symptoms of Panic Disorder I had been experiencing for the last few months.

When this happened my life got thrown up side down. I no longer deal with things like I would have before this happened. I stopped going to class, for fear of having a panic attack in class, I stopped driving, I couldn't sleep alone, or shower in an empty house/apartment. Its been really rough.

Christmas rolled around and I was able to go talk to professionals who helped me, I got medicine, and began getting better. The first of spring semester, I was still not going to class by myself, eat in the caf by myself, or driving. Towards the middle and after spring break, I was able to go to class alone, sit in class alone, go to the caf alone, but I still couldn't drive anywhere far alone. I've been held back this whole time by my fear of having a panic attack, or dying at any second. Its crazy what the brain does to you.

Its the beginning of Summer, and I'm doing everything pretty normal, like I used to, with some minor complications due to my medication, however the one thing, that I am not doing that any normal 21 year old college student is doing, is driving. I can't drive anywhere with out the feeling of panic, my heart racing out of my body, my body shaking and going numb, and my mind telling me that I'm going to crash and die any second.

So, I'm starting this week, and the rest of the summer to learn how to be comfortable driving again. Starting with someone in the car, progressing till I can drive alone, then hopefully being able to drive from my house to Montevallo.

Thanks for coming along for the ride with me. :)