When will the light bulb go off?

Or maybe I'm still scared. I just don't have the motivation to go drive somewhere. I just give myself an excuse to not get in the car and drive. I'm just afraid I'm going to get too far from home and have a panic attack and not have anyone to help me. Its a really terrifying feeling of helplessness.

I don't have motivation to do a lot... I just don't. I'm scared to do a lot.

But I can't dwell on that, I've decided instead of putting it off till tomorrow, whatever "it" is. I'm going to do it today.. right now. no excuses, no I'm too tired. It just has to happen.

I have to find that motivation somewhere.. if it's putting signs up such as "I'm not getting in the damn bed" then I will (and have). I just have to do something else.... which brings me to my next point, I have nothing to do.. I'm taking one class right now in June, in Montevallo with very few friends in town. I need a hobby. or something.

I hate being alone. I really do. I wish I could be around someone pretty much 24/7. But right now I'm spending a lot of time alone... and boy, do I hate hate hate it!

That's something else that's holding me back.. being alone, and being ok with doing stuff alone. Like working out... I would rather not go at all to the gym, then work out alone. :/ however, at this juncture of my life.. I find myself doing stuff alone, so I WILL go to the gym alone, I will walk to class alone, I will study alone, eat alone, watch movies alone. and learn to be.... semi ok with it.

So... I'm going to be motivated... and wait till it clicks that I want to actually do this stuff, instead of complaining when I do stuff... whatever stuff equals.

I'm going to push myself harder to get better at writing, and figure out what descriptive statistic is.. and study in my class.

I'm not going to take a nap after class, and then lay in bed till dinner time. as horrible as this sounds, I'm going to have to do it.

So the question is... what should my hobby be?? I can't paint, or draw, or sing, or play an instrument.

I want to do something outside... like Volleyball, or I could twirl again.. if you want to play volleyball with me, let me know. :)

Waiting for the click.

I'm not going to die.. I'm not going to die.

My gosh... going so long with out taking my medicine for my Panic Disorder, and my brain goes crazy. I'm sitting in the back of the car on the way home from my brothers graduation, and I had about 3 panic attacks in a row, one I thought I couldn't breath, this happens often, the other panic attack fead off of the thought that I couldn't breath, so I thought I was going to die. Then the thought I was going to die wouldn't go away.. my gosh, this is exhausting. But then.. I started making myself breath, got the air blowing on me, and told myself I was being over dramatic.

I'm not crazy, I promise.

All with in about 10 mins this happens, I hate these situations. They are so uncomfortable... so so uncomfortable.

I hate having to talk my self out of the thought that I'm dying, when there isn't any other thought in my head that says I'm not... Cause the thought thats making my insides shake, and makes my adrenaline pump is the thought that I'm going to die.

In these moments, I forget that God is there.. I just try to get through it alone.

And then after the fact, I kinda get mad at God, or get tired of fighting this fight. I want him to take these panic attacks away.

But then, just now, and other times I realize that everything in our lives happen for a reason. I have been through a lot, just like everyone else has... and these trials, have shaped all of us. God gave me this trial almost 10 months ago, to bring me to the bottom. For 20 years of my life I have been doing everything all by myself, I would try every now and then to ask God for guidance, however the guidance would go in one ear, and out the other... cause I never wanted to do what was right, in his eyes, I wanted to do what was right in my eyes.

So these panic attacks, these desperate pleas for comfort, is God, saying hey, I know you can make it through this, now, lean on me.

"The Lord will keep you from all harm- he will watch over your life; the Lord will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore." Psalms 121:7-8

God is my father, that's taken me a long time to accept. I've always seen him as someone I disappoint every time I sin. Or as someone I could never make happy no matter what I do.

As I've read in the book Captivating, God yearns to be known. He wants to be sought after by those who know him. He wants to be Loved by the ones he made.

"You will seek me and find me when you seek me with ALL your heart" Jeremiah 29:13.

I'm not saying that every time, I seek God, and I'm not saying I'm a "perfect Christian" whatever that means, I'm saying that this is my trial, that God has so graciously allowed me to go through. So, I will continue to try, with all my heart to seek the Lord my God.

For the time being.

I need to know how I feel.. I guess this is kind of my journal for the moment. All I want to do is sit on this couch and feel numb. Cause that's pretty much how I feel. I don't have any motivation. I don't feel that pull to go do something. I want to go get in my car and drive to check somethings off my to do list, but I'm so scared.. the feeling I know I will feel down the road stops me even from thinking about driving. I'm just not really feeling to up too a lot right now, I guess I'm in a funk. I'm so ready to be back in Montevallo, just doing my own thing, I'll be able to cook and eat what I want, exercise when I want, and do what I want. Its just hard to find people to ride with me. Sometimes... a lot of the time I feel like I'll never be driving from home to Montevallo, or vice versa. I don't know what that means, or why I feel that way. I just want to break out of this shell and run.

I just feel alone.

I wasn't going to put this out there... But, I guess I will. This is how I feel, no reason to hide it.

and I am changed for good.

OK. so its 9:48 and i can't stop smiling. I'm so happy I want to cry.

Yesterday I drove from my house to T.J. Maxx which is on 280.. yes, friends, I drove on 280. :)

That would be the first time I have driven on 280 in over 8 months... the Lord is good.

I drove yesterday, and I felt fine. I got a stress headache, cause it stresses me out, but I didn't let that stop me from driving.. just kept on. :)

Today........ :) :) :) I just got back from my doctor's appointment, where, yes, yes I did.. I drove myself (by myself) to my doctor's appointment. :D :D

I mean, it is just 10 mins away, and I drove the back way, but still!! I did it.. and I was fine. I still am fine.. I'm not shaking, or scared, it has almost become second nature to me, almost. haha

and my doctor said that I get to cut my medicine ( that's for my panic disorder) in half! :) so that means that all the negative side effects that I've been dealing with for the past semester will go away kinda. ha ha.

Let me just tell you that this whole thing, from September to now.. my whole relationship with Christ has changed. At first I was mad, now I am so blessed to have an amazing father like him. How great is he. I couldn't be more thankful for him to allow me to wake up every day, and experience these life changing things, my life has changed for the better.. and I am changed for good ( thank you Wicked for amazing lyrics) ;)

Everyone reading this, I hope you have a fantastic day, and to all my friends who read this, thank you from the bottom to the top of my heart for your help.. without you over this year, I probably would not be in this great place that I am in.

this is 2004 all over again.

Hi, my name is Stephanie.. and I am 15 again. I feel as if my parents left me at home.. and I drove their car around the neighborhood without their permission. I'm still shaking like a small baby animal.

I drove around my neighborhood (which is very large) today alone. In my car alone. I was fine... honestly, it was uncomfortable. and weird.

It was like I was learning to drive again... oddly, yes I'm 21 and I'm learning to drive again. I accept it.

I just feel like all my moves are choppy... its so weird to drive again after 8 months of not driving like a 21 year old should.

Its so weird to talk about all this now... because 8 months ago, I wouldn't have even been able to sit in the drivers seat.

Welcome to my sophomore year of high school all over again..... haha

:)

One, Two Step.

Monday.. I drove mom to Lee Branch to pick up something for our printer, I think the hardest thing for me is actually preparing myself to drive. If I think about it too much I'll freak out. So, I just got in the car and drove. It was the worst. Half way down 119, I freaked out, wasn't sure I could swallow, started shaking, and feeling a panic attack coming on. Every single panic attack I've had, not a single bad thing has happened, I haven't passed out, or died, but yet, every time I have one, I feel like, this is it, this is the one where I'll pass out. So I had a panic attack... I told myself I would be fine, nothing was going to happen, I told my mom to talk to me get my mind off of what was going on (which doesn't help by the way). I was fine till half way up the hill to Lee Branch, I just wasn't sure if I was going to make it.. so I grabbed my moms hand and just started talking to her, I made it there.. but couldn't drive back cause I was shaking so bad.

That was not fun... but it made me realize that I have to start driving everyday to be comfortable with it.. I'm going to have to start driving with someone.. then progress to driving alone, which might take a while.. :/

Today, I drove to Lee Branch to get lunch with mom, I drove my car. I was a bit weary today, just because my allergies are making me dizzy today. But i did fine. Oddly. I mean, I felt a panic attack coming on.. but never afraid that I was going to have one. I actually drove from Panara, to Publix, to get gas and a car wash.. I felt fine, didn't even feel like I was about to have a panic attack, it was just an uncomfortable feeling.

I just hate that my medicine makes me feel.. numb. Its hard to explain, and even harder to say out loud. Most people don't get it. It feels as if someone could stab me in the chest.. and I wouldn't feel anything... :( I'm going to talk to my doctor about my meds.. cause I can't handle this feeling or lack of feeling...

I know all of this doesn't make sense to a lot of people, I just wanted to share my feelings, and get this out there, because if I know that someone is reading this, then I have motivation to drive, to keep writing.

:)

http://www.webmd.com/anxiety-panic/guide/mental-health-panic-disorder <---- Check it out, if you want to make sense of what

is going on with me.

The First Drive.

This may be dumb, but I don't know, I just wanted to get out in words what I was feeling. This won't be grammatically correct, or as entertaining as some may hope, but I think it will help me feel better about what I'm doing, knowing that I can continue on tomorrow.

Ok, I'll explain why i'm making this blog so that everyones on the same page here.

September I was just driving up 65 North, in the rain, when all of the sudden it felt like my eyes where going to roll back in my head and I was going to die, right there on the side of the road alone. Fast forward.. This happened several more times, with me driving around Montevallo (not a very big place, or scary either). So, after one of these freak out times, I talked to my mom and decided that I had to go to the doctor.

Went, he said maybe I was having seizures ( they run in the family big time). Went to the neurologist, made me get several tests done. However non of the test results showed anything, and in the meantime, the doctor had asked me not to drive, in case they where seizures.

Blahhh, Blah Blah..

To finish this story off, I was searching around on the internet one day looking up Anxiety Disorders. Bingo.

Panic disorder: an anxiety disorder that causes repeated, unexpected attacks of intense fear. These attacks may last from minutes to hours.(Google Health)

I was shocked, all of the symptoms of Panic Disorder I had been experiencing for the last few months.

When this happened my life got thrown up side down. I no longer deal with things like I would have before this happened. I stopped going to class, for fear of having a panic attack in class, I stopped driving, I couldn't sleep alone, or shower in an empty house/apartment. Its been really rough.

Christmas rolled around and I was able to go talk to professionals who helped me, I got medicine, and began getting better. The first of spring semester, I was still not going to class by myself, eat in the caf by myself, or driving. Towards the middle and after spring break, I was able to go to class alone, sit in class alone, go to the caf alone, but I still couldn't drive anywhere far alone. I've been held back this whole time by my fear of having a panic attack, or dying at any second. Its crazy what the brain does to you.

Its the beginning of Summer, and I'm doing everything pretty normal, like I used to, with some minor complications due to my medication, however the one thing, that I am not doing that any normal 21 year old college student is doing, is driving. I can't drive anywhere with out the feeling of panic, my heart racing out of my body, my body shaking and going numb, and my mind telling me that I'm going to crash and die any second.

So, I'm starting this week, and the rest of the summer to learn how to be comfortable driving again. Starting with someone in the car, progressing till I can drive alone, then hopefully being able to drive from my house to Montevallo.

Thanks for coming along for the ride with me. :)